


Secrets

by ArJoStark



Category: gallavich - Fandom
Genre: Bipolar Ian, Cute, Dark, Depression, Established Relationship, Gallagher family - Freeform, M/M, Secrets, Svetlana never existed, Sweet
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-06-08
Updated: 2014-12-30
Packaged: 2018-02-03 21:17:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1757249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArJoStark/pseuds/ArJoStark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian has to deal with a lot. He's just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and his boyfriend just came out of the closet. He's struggling to cope with his illness and all the attention that comes with it. But there is something he's always hidden from everyone, something that could destroy his already broken family. So he never says anything and the internal pressure continues the build until Ian ends up in the hospital.</p>
<p>When Ian's secret is revealed, Mickey doesn't know how to help his boyfriend. All he knows is he'll do anything for the boy who's made him happier than he ever thought possible.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> So this is the first chapter in a potential series. It's going to be dark and gritty and it might not be easy for everyone to read. So readers should be warned. Anyway, if you like it, please let me know.

Ian doesn’t know what he’s going to do. He’s struggling to cope with his recent bipolar diagnosis and that’s only the beginning of everything. His family are doing their best to help him through all the shit, and he knows this, but he’s not used to being the center of attention like this and he’s not sure he likes it. To top everything off, his boyfriend, Mickey, has just come out and is dealing with the fallout in regards to his family. He knows Mandy is cool and supportive, she is his best friend besides Lip. after all. But Mickey's brothers and their father are definitely not happy with them being a couple. They've already told Mickey they want him to fuck and date girls in that order. It's something Mickey reluctantly told him when they were talking on the phone. He also knows they want Mickey to cut him loose, to try his hardest to be straight. But he has faith in his boyfriend and he knows Mickey will stand by him no matter what those assholes do to him. 

“You okay, Ian?” Lip asks as he walks into their bedroom. It feels strange to think of it as their bedroom after everything. It doesn’t really feel like their bedroom anymore. Maybe because he was gone for so long or maybe it’s because the last time he was sleeping in here, Mickey was staying with them too.

“Yeah, sure,” he says absentmindedly.

Lip sits on the bed facing Ian, a look of concern on his face. He doesn’t want to see that look there, it never used to be before. It’s all because of this stupid bipolar shit. It’s not easy on Lip, he knows. He guesses it’s probably as hard for Lip as it is for Fiona. After all, the three of them are the older ones, they’ve lived through a lot more together, and Lip is the closest in age to Ian. They’re like best friends only closer because they've known each other forever, literally. Even as kids they were closer than most. And now they’re just. Shit. He doesn’t know what he would do without his brother.

“What’s going on inside that head of yours?”

Ian faces Lip and sighs, he knows he’ll have to say something or it’ll just worry everyone even more. “I’m just thinking about everything. I…”

“You hate being the center of attention and you also hate knowing we’re all worried about you. You’re already worried about yourself and you don’t want us to be worrying too. Does that cover everything?”

Ian huffs out a laugh. “Almost. Yeah.”

“Look, Ian,” Lip sighs. “I’m not going to pretend like this is easy, it’s not. We’re all worried and none of us know how to help you, but we’re trying. We love you, Ian. I love you. And I think you just need to give us a bit of time. Okay?”

Ian nods, but he doesn't respond. It’s hard for him to deal with this all the time, but he knows he’s not the only one who’s hurting. And that’s probably the hardest part of everything, knowing he’s hurting everyone he loves with his stupid mental illness. It's something he can't hide from. Because no matter how hard he tries to, Bipolar disorder always follows him and it always will. It doesn't matter if he takes his meds every day and he goes to a million sessions with a shrink. The second he stops taking his meds, he'll be back to the way he is now and there's nothing he can do about it.

Frustrated, because he's thinking about everything way too much, he gets up and makes his way down the stairs and out of the house. He walks for a long time, not knowing where he’s going or how long it might take. But he’s sure of one thing; he needs to be on his own for a while. Being indoors all day every day is like torture. He’s not been inside this much since he was a kid. Maybe that’s why he hates it so much now, it reminds him of being sick. That’s a time he really doesn't want to think about ever again. It was a long time ago and nobody knows the stuff he went through.

He hopes the memories will fade into the back of his mind during his walk, but they don't. If anything, they seem to grow and grow until they are the only thing he can think about. Fuck. He tries to shake himself off. He closes his eyes and stands in the middle of the park—or at least that’s what it smells like—and waits for the memories to leave him alone. But they stay and he suddenly feels sick and scared. His body starts shaking violently and he feels the depression washing over him, settling down inside of his body and waiting to take over completely.

 



 

He doesn't know how long he’s been sitting here when the rain starts to fall. Slowly at first, it feels almost refreshing on his skin, but then it starts to pour down and he’s getting drowned. His eyes are burning from the tears he’s been shedding since he sat here. His body feels like he’s been beaten within an inch of his life and no matter how hard he tries to, he can’t move. It feels like someone is holding him down, keeping him here. A memory flashes through his mind right now, something he really doesn’t want to be there, but it is. It’s always been there. And now he isn’t sure if all of this is real or if his mind is making up the memory to torment him. It’s not like the idea is impossible. His brain could be doing this to him. They’ve already proven his brain is broken at best. So how can he be sure?

Maybe if he finds glass or something. Maybe that will make it all better. He just wants something to stop the pain inside. Something has to make everything stop, he thinks. His eyes open of their own accord and he notices a broken glass bottle a few feet away from him. It’s too far for him to reach and his body isn’t working, so he can’t go over to get it. He considers asking a passer-by to get it for him. But nobody’s stopping to look at him and he doubts his voice will work properly now. It’s not fair, he thinks, and then he starts sobbing.At first, it’s silent and you wouldn’t really notice unless you really looked. His shoulders rise and fall every few seconds and tears are falling freely down his cheeks. Snot is running down from his nose and his eyes are red rimmed. Not only is he wet, but his hands and legs are all muddy. The rain isn’t helping with that either. But overall, he looks like a homeless bum or something. That’s how he would describe himself anyway.

The minutes tick by and nobody stops to help him. Not that Ian cares. He’s too busy crying and trying to think of something, anything that will end all the pain inside him. _Why is it so hard to do something so simple?_

Someone’s shouting his name. No. Wait. Two someone’s are shouting his name. He can hear them clearly. They sound like they’re close, like really close. He doesn’t know where the voices are coming from, though, and his stupid eyes won’t fucking open. Why won't they open? What's going on? Who's trying to talk to him? He struggles with himself for a few moments before something draws him out of his own head.

“Ian,” someone whispers in his ear. Someone familiar. “C’mon Ian. Wake up, mumbles. You’ve gotta open your eyes for me now.”

_Is that Mickey?_

A small, pathetic sounds falls past his lips and he wants to cry. This doesn’t sound like him. Then again, he doesn’t feel like himself either and he hasn’t for a while. A long while. So his frustration grows, and his confusion only fuels it. He doesn’t know where he is anymore and he’s not sure who’s with him. Well, he knows Mickey is here and that’s the most important thing.

“That’s it, mumbles. Now open your eyes for me.”

His eyes finally open and all he can see is Mickey’s very worried face so close to his. At least he thinks Mickey looks worried. But he’s not really sure because his eyes are struggling to stay open, and his mind isn’t on anything past his Mickey is here, with him, holding him. Or he thinks he’s holding him anyway. There's something wrapped firmly around his body, holding him tightly, and he really wants it to be Mickey. Maybe he can die in Mickey's arms. That would be nice, he believes. The perfect way to go, in the arms of the person you love more than anyone else.

“What the fuck were you thinking, going off on your own, worrying me,” Mickey almost shouts at him. His voice is rough and hard, but it also sounds a bit broken, which isn't like Mickey at all. “It’s not like you couldn’t talk to me about whatever shit you got in your head. But no, you decide to go off on your own and now you’re hurt and cold and I was worried. And I don’t like being worried.”

 _Mickey was upset?_ Ian isn’t sure how he feels about this or if he even feels anything at all. There’s a lot of nothing floating around in his head and he’s not really sure he should be trying to think right now. Especially since his head feels like his skull has been smashed in. He starts shivering involuntarily and something feels really strange. He’s struggling to catch his breath and his nose is running again. Not like before, though, since he’s not actually crying this time.

“Fuck,” Mickey curses. “Keep your eyes open for me, Ian. You’ve gotta stay awake until the ambulance gets here. You can sleep later, when I know you’re safe. But not until then.” Ian doesn’t respond.

He’s not sure if he’s supposed to.

“Okay?”

He nods. “Okay,” he repeats as he starts to slip back into the darkness.


	2. Chapter One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mickey is at the hospital with Fiona and Lip when Frank arrives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This isn't exactly like the show. So things are going to be different. Just in case anyone wonders.

Mickey doesn’t know what’s harder. Waiting to get news about Ian or waiting with the bickering Gallagher clan. This would be a lot easier if he could ask questions about Ian’s condition. But he’s not family. He’s just… Nothing really. He’s not family. He’s not Ian’s husband or legal anything. So to all the doctors and nurses here, he’s just a stranger. And he fucking hates it. He fucking hates knowing that he has no say when it comes to the man he’s come to care about a lot.

Fiona and Lip are sitting across from him. They look angry. Angry at each other. Angry at the situation. Or maybe even angry at the world. But at least they’re not angry at Ian. Micky wouldn’t let them be angry at Ian. None of this is his fault. He’s the innocent in all of this stuff.

“Do you know why he wandered off?” Fiona asks.

He looks over at her. She and Lip both look like they’ve been crying. Fiona looks worse, though. Her hair is wet and messy and her eyes are bloodshot. She has dark circles under her eyes that make her look like she hasn’t slept in a year. “He probably felt off and needed to get out. He feels like that a lot.”

“But why leave? Why not talk to us?”

Mickey chews on his bottom lip. He’s not sure if he should say anything. Well, of course he knows he should say something. But he doesn’t want to add fuel to the fire. Ian never told him anything but he’s always had this feeling inside… He wonders a lot if Ian has been through more than any of them realize.

Before he has time to answer, Frank walks through the door. Stumbles through it really. He’s obviously drunk. When is he not? But there’s something strange about him. Something Mickey can’t quite figure out. 

“What happened? Is Ian okay?”

“We don’t know yet,” Lip replies stiffly.

“Well why don’t you find out?”

“We can’t,” Lip replies angrily. “The doctors are in with him now.”

Frank shakes his head and looks at them like they’re the strange ones.

“Well I’m going to find out how he’s doing.”

“You can’t!” Lip’s shouting now. “Frank!”

Frank keeps walking. Lip and Fiona look at each other. She nods and Lip takes off after Frank. He looks pissed.

“Did you call Mandy to tell her we found him?”

“Yeah. She’s going to come here when she can.”

“Are you okay? You look a little… sick.”

“Fuckin’ peachy.”

“He’s going to be okay, you know.”

“I know.”

“Then what is it?”

He doesn’t want to deal with this shit right now. He really doesn’t. Everyone should be focusing on Ian, not on him. Ian’s the one who’s sick. Ian’s the one who’s really struggling.

“You looked surprised.”

Fiona looks a little confused.

“When Frank came in. You looked like you weren’t expecting him to come.”

“Could you blame me?”

“No. Not really. But you know he turns up when you don’t really want him.”

“I know. But he never gave a shit before.”

“Do you think he gives a shit now?”

“Yes. No. I don’t know. It’s why I’m confused.”

“Do you really think Ian’ll be okay?”

She smiles a teary smile. “He has to be. He’s the strong one of this family. He’s already gone through more than most kids.”

“You mean when he was a kid?”

“You remember that?” She looks genuinely surprised.

He remembers a lot of the things Mandy told him. And that was one of those things. He remembers Mandy coming home from school, worried that her best friend was going to die. She was sure of it. And Mickey remembers hearing people talk about Ian. How sick he was and how they were sure he wasn’t going to make it much longer. It’s something he didn’t really care about at the time. But it was unavoidable. Even his father used to talk about it.

There are some strange things he can remember about what his father used to say. Like how Frank reacted to all that. How strange was when all that was going on.

He shakes his head to chase away the memories.

“Yeah. Mandy used to talk about it a lot.”

“Huh.”

Fiona goes quiet and Mickey hopes she’ll stay that way. Not that he doesn’t want to talk to her. They get along okay, for the most part. But talking has never been his strong suit. Not unless he’s talking to Ian. Then he can talk openly and not have to worry about what he says. Ian gets him. Ian knows what he’s like. Ian doesn’t care.

He looks down the corridor and wonders if Frank and Lip are finding something out or fighting. If he had to guess, he’d say it’s probably the latter. But he hopes it’s the former.  
It’s killing him to not know. He should know how his own boyfriend is doing.

Boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

He has a boyfriend.

Ian Gallagher is his boyfriend.

Ian Gallagher has bipolar disorder.

A lot has happened over the last few weeks. A lot of it still sounds strange, even to him. The bipolar is just… an annoyance more than anything. The thing is, he’s not sure if he should want it gone or not. Of course, deep down he wishes Ian didn’t have it and that he didn’t have to deal with all the issues he has because of it. But there’s another part of him that thinks Ian wouldn’t be Ian if he didn’t have it. He would probably be different. Everything happens for a reason. And sometimes taking away the bad good affect the good. He doesn’t want to take away the good. The good is very good. Very, very good. Ian is good. And his. And he wants to keep it that way for as long as he can.

He just hopes whatever Ian is dealing with, it’s not as bad as the things he thinks they could be. He really does. Because if he’s right. The next few months might be even harder than the last few.


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *Flashback*  
> Ian's been released from hospital and he's struggling with his own thoughts. Maybe Mickey can help him out with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter just kind of fitted for me. I hope you all like it!

_Ian’s been home from the hospital a few days now. Mickey and his family have been fussing over him, trying to make him feel settled. Doing everything they can to make him happy._

_But he’s not._

_For some reason he can’t be happy. And he has no idea why._

_There’s something going on in his head._

_It started not too long ago. Back when he was in the hospital. When he closes his eyes and tries to sleep, it gets worse. It’s like a memory or a feeling. Something that constantly comes to the forefront of his mind. And it’s driving him insane._

_He wants to figure it out and at the same time, he doesn’t. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t know what’s going on and he’s scared. Or it could be something else entirely.  
Someone knocks on the door._

_“Come in,” he says softly from the bed._

_The door opens and he looks up to see Mickey standing there, his eyes full of concern. He doesn’t try to move closer or try to say anything. He just stands there. Watching, Waiting._

_“Everything okay?” Ian asks._

_Mickey doesn’t say anything, doesn’t move, just stares._

_Ian doesn’t know why he won’t say anything. Mickey would normally talk or at least grunt. And he doesn’t usually stare. But there’s something going on with him and it makes Ian’s heart clench in his chest._

_“Why did you shut yourself off in here?” Mickey finally asks._

_“I just needed some time to be alone.”_

_Mickey steps inside and closes the door behind him. “There’s something going on. What is it?”_

_Ian shakes his head and reaches out to pull Mickey over to the bed. He makes him sit down and then stares at him. He feels like saying something but doesn’t know what yet._

_“I’m fine.” He runs his fingers along Mickey’s face and Mickey stares at him, his eyes intense and full of heat. He loves it when Mickey looks at him like that. It makes him feel good._

_Probably the only time he feels good nowadays._

_“What’s going on?” Mickey asks again, stopping his hand._

_“Would you do something for me?”_

_Mickey looks startled but nods. “Of course. You know I will.”_

_“Would you fuck me?”_

_He doesn’t know why he’s asking this or why it’s such a big deal to him. But it’s what keeps popping into his head and he needs to know once and for all. There’s just something he needs to get out of his head._

_Mickey chokes. “You want me to what?!”_

_“Fuck me. Fuck me like I fuck you.”_

_“I thought…I-I thought you were a top?”_

_“I am. But I want to try it with you.”_

_Not a total lie, but not exactly the whole truth either. He’s not able to think about the truth. It hurts too much. It makes him want to do something stupid._

_“Are you sure?”_

_He doesn’t feel relief, but at least Mickey’s agreeing._

_“Positive.”_

_“Well, okay then.”_

_He watches as Mickey stands and walks over to the door and locks it. Then he starts stripping out of his clothes, throwing them on the floor before returning to the bed._

_Mickey reaches out and kisses him. It’s not their first kiss. But it’s their first kiss where they knew this would happen._

_A weight settles in his chest as Mickey starts undressing him. His hands slide over his body and his mouth kisses his neck._

_He should want this. He should feel more than he does right now. He should be feeling good or alive or something. But instead he feels worried. His body feels like ants are crawling all over his skin. His brain won’t shut down. He wants to stop this. He doesn’t like it. Doesn’t want Mickey to keep going. But he doesn’t stop him either._

_Once Mickey has Ian’s shirt and shoes off. He lies on top of him and starts turning things up a notch. He does everything he can to make Ian feel good. And Ian should feel good._

_He should feel amazing. But he wants to get sick._

_They kiss again. And this time Ian closes his eyes. He lies back and lets Mickey take control._

_Mickey keeps going and going and going. He doesn’t stop and Ian tries to pretend like he doesn’t want him to. Ian pretends to enjoy it. Parts of him sure are. And then Mickey leans over and whispers in his ear and starts tugging at his jeans. He’s being gentle, almost lovingly so, and then it happens._

_Ian can’t see straight. He can’t think about anything other than getting Mickey off him. He feels sick. He wants to puke._

_He pushes Mickey off him and throws himself off the bed and rolls on the floor, curling up in a ball about halfway through the action. The room is quiet apart from his heavy breathing._

_His eyes open after a long while and he stares into Mickey’s worried eyes. It’s all too much for him. It’s starting to click with him. Everything swirling around in his head. But there’s still so much he doesn’t understand. He can’t make sense of any of it. He can’t connect it all in his head. It’s too much. He doesn’t want to know. But then he does._

_He wants to know._

_He doesn’t._

_He needs to know._

_He shouldn’t._

_He has to find out._

_He has to find out._

_He needs to clear his head._

_It’s all starting to click into place. And then Mickey touches him. Just a trace of a finger down his cheek. But it’s too much and he starts sobbing until Mickey takes him into his arms and he passes out._


End file.
